So I never thought I would be one of those girls. You know, the ones who just can’t settle down, can’t be with just one guy.
But now that I think about it, that’s exactly who I am.
Over the past few years, I’ve had a bunch of guys express their feelings for me. Now, for most of them, I wasn’t physically attracted to them, so I told them how I felt. And everything was cool.
Well, there were a couple guys that I did actually like. With one of those guys, we flirted like crazy. Then he asked me out. And I freaked out. I knew if I went out with him, we’d inevitably end up in a relationship. That scared the crap out of me. So I ended up hurting him. But he didn’t care; we still talked, hell, we still flirted, even though he has a girlfriend now (I do feel bad about it). To be honest, I am upset that I didn’t give it a shot. He was great.
Well, fast forward a few years. There’s this guy I really liked back in May, but we didn’t really know each other. At the end of the summer, we started talking. Last Monday, he asked me to see him exclusively. He even said that he didn’t expect anything.
And I bolted. I told him that I didn’t want to be with him (it didn’t help that he was super clingy). I haven’t talked to him since, because he really annoys me, and now I realize that it’s good that I said no, because I would be really unhappy.
But I still don’t know where my commitment issues came from. I used to think it was because I was afraid of getting hurt, but I don’t think that’s it. Is it because I just want to be able to jump to someone better when he presents himself?
I feel like a slut when I say that, but I think that’s part of it. Plus, I’m constantly changing my mind when it comes to guys I like. Like, right now, I literally like four guys. Am I a slut? I don’t think so.
Or maybe I’m waiting for true love? I don’t believe in true love, but lately I’ve been thinking that’s it. I want someone who I can spend the rest of my life which, and at my age, that is pretty unfeasible. And in this thinking, I put up walls when guys who I kind of like actually feel for me. Because I know they’re not “the one.”
I just don’t know anymore.